Chapter 19: Sourcing A Powerful Relationship With Your Boss-The Art of Managing Up
Situation: At best, you have good chemistry with your boss. At worst, you suffer feelings of being dominated by your boss. In both cases, you give your power away to your boss. Can you change that and have a better career? Our answer is "Yes."
Everything about Bob Thompson exudes power and confidence. His physical presence strikes you first: six-foot three, broad shoulders, fierce, piercing blue eyes, thick blond hair turning slightly grey, and a loose and comfortable manner. In my mind, Bob is the quintessential all-American guy. I picture him in high school being the star quarterback, having more friends than a Powerball winner and being extremely popular with the girls. And now of course, as destiny played its hand, Bob is an executive at AIG, a financial services company. Robert warned me just before my first meeting with Bob: "Michel, don't say anything to make him mad or he'll get you in the headlock position! And if he does, you are dead! He has the strength of a bear."
Likewise, Bob is an impressive leader. He speaks with conviction, has an uncanny ability to recognize opportunities to create new value for his business, and has a unique strength to take on the toughest assignments, turning duds into assets for the corporation. The last epithet you would apply to Bob would be "powerless" or a "victim." But on a beautiful and sunny day in New York City, I had the guts to do just that. (Bob spared me from the headlock!)
It was mid morning and the streets of the Big Apple were bustling with relentless activity. Bob showed up with his metallic blue Corvette, a gift to himself on his 50th birthday. We went for a walk. "Bob, tell me what's on your mind when you try to relax? What is bugging you? What issues make you restless?"
"There are not any business issues at this time that I don't feel on top of, but one thing that keeps getting under my skin are my interactions with my boss. I am at a loss with the guy. The truth is that he drives me crazy." His boss, Vernon Shaw, Senior vice president for Marketing, is highly respected in the industry and known for his charm and wit.
He continued, "Shaw is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One day, he is full of charm, inquisitive and quite insightful in his comments and suggestions about my business. But the next day, he can be dominating, bossy, obnoxious, and downright mean. He will ask no questions, make assumptions, and be very negative in his comments. I often leave my conversations with him feeling demotivated." Bob went on and on, providing multiple examples to support is claim that Vernon Shaw deserved to get the "worst boss of the year" award.
I pondered Bob's litany of complaints and finally interjected, "Bob, I hear you, and as Clinton would say, I feel your pain. (Humour works well with Bob.) But here is the deal, how you show up to me in your relationship with Shaw is totally powerless. You speak like a victim. In all other areas of your business life and even your personal life, you always come across as someone who has the power to changes the face of things. You are accountable, not waiting for the right circumstances but ready to shape circumstances to your will and intention. But with your boss, you complain like someone who has absolutely no opportunity and responsibility to create what you want."
"Bob, do you know that most people feel like you in regards to their boss? Look into your past, I bet that fundamentally you felt that same way with all your bosses. I am sure that you had easier bosses. Shaw is a piece of work. I'll give you that. But the issue is not so much Shaw, but how you relate to Shaw. Your basic premise in that relationship is one where 'the boss is in charge' and, therefore, 'he is in charge of his relationship with you.' He calls for meetings, he gives you a hard time, he acknowledges you, he presses on you, he gives you room…no matter what, it's all in his hands."
"Basically, you are a passive participant in that relationship, like someone who sits on the back of the bus and goes along for the ride. You suffer the relationship and hope for a boss who makes it easier for you. Some time in your career you may have had a boss who fit well your model of the perfect boss: giving you lots of room to operate, no hands on, few meetings, and little bureaucracy. But you know, you were probably still a victim in that relationship, only a happy victim. You did nothing to shape that relationship. You were a slave with the right master...but still a slave."
"Did you ever, even with the best boss, ask yourself, "How can I bring this relationship from okay to great? How can I create a truly extraordinary relationship with my boss that will result in extraordinary accomplishments for me, for the business, and for my boss?"
Bob was listening with a perplex look on his face, "What can I do to change that? The guy is still puzzling to me and the truth is that I am a victim in this case!"
"Here's what I can offer. You can shift your relationship with him, and with any boss you will ever have, from being a victim to being accountable, from powerlessness to powerful, from reactive to generative. If you want, I can show you how to do that."
"I am ready. But I will tell you, I am still sceptical."
Of course Bob was sceptical. There are very few role models of individuals who take full accountability to source their relationship with their boss. And let's make no mistake; doing that can be a real challenge.
Teachable Point of View
Take ownership of your relationship with your boss. Shift your mindset from being a powerless victim to being the author.
One of the critical success factors for a flourishing career is our ability to relate, negotiate, and work powerfully with a network of very key relationships. At the very center of this web of high-leverage relationships is our boss. The many bosses we work with throughout our careers will collectively either end up providing us with a set of wings so we can reach the greatest heights or they will accentuate gravity, making it difficult or even impossible for us to reach our aspirations. These various bosses will exhibit different management and leadership styles, personalities, and philosophy. Our ability to be adaptive and to create a powerful and productive working relationship in all circumstances is critical to our immediate success, as well as to our progression in the organization and in our career.
The problem is that we seldom take into account our own responsibility in that relationship and the opportunity we have to shape it to our advantage. It is normal business for the vast majority of people to be passive in that relationship, to think and behave like victims. After all, our boss has the power to fire, demote or promote us, and to give us a great or mediocre score in our yearly performance assessment. In short, to have a huge influence on our future.
When we are in a victim mode, we complain in our own head and to others. The complaining goes like this: "My boss micromanages me," "My boss doesn't trust me," "My boss has no people skills," "My boss is changing directions all the time, is so unpredictable and impossible to work with," "My boss doesn't acknowledge the progress we have made," "My boss does not have a clear vision and objectives for the organization," and the list goes on. If you stop for a moment and listen to your own voice, do you think that you speak like a powerful human being in a leadership role?
The truth is that we automatically go into a reactive mode in our relationship with our boss as opposed to intentionally embracing a generative approach. We do this we naturally, effortlessly, and mostly unconsciously, no matter who our boss is and how he or she behaves. This shows up in us trying to protect ourselves, avoiding losing, pleasing, and being defensive. We all play the same racket, like a conspiracy of the weak.
The alternative is to shift the paradigm of how we relate to our boss one hundred and eighty degrees. We can choose to be accountable, generative, intentional and committed. We can embrace the boss that we have with all his/her strengths and faults, and choose to generate a relationship where the company, the boss and we will be empowered and successful. We can silence the internal dialogue of negativity and choose to generate a powerful conversation in which both can succeed together.
Template for Action
1. Alien yourself to and stand for your boss' success. Your success and your boss' success are intricately related. You are both on the same team. So ask the questions, "How can I make my boss successful?" and "How can I contribute?" Hold yourself responsible for understanding and providing it. "Walk in your boss's moccasins" and truly understand his or her priorities, expectations, needs, and concerns, and be pro-active in acting consistent with those. To help you identify your boss' mindset, gain clarity about the following questions:
· What is his/her vision for the business and why?
· What are his/her drivers and why?
· What are his/her expectations for the team that you are part of and for you specifically?
· What matters most for your boss? What are his/her biggest concerns?
If you cannot answer these questions with clarity or if you have some assumptions or partial ideas but are not sure, ask for a meeting with your boss and have a dialogue with the intent to become completely clear about them. Your objective it to generate understanding and alignment with your boss. Ask for clarification, leave no stone unturned, and communicate back to your boss what you get out of the conversation so you can test your understanding. See if you can "own" your boss and his/her commitments out of this conversation.
2. Stand for your boss contributing to your own success, by setting up a coaching relationship. Make some extraordinary commitments to the business and ask your boss to meet frequently (once a month for ninety minutes or so) as a thinking partner and coach. Prepare each coaching session. Identify current issues, dilemmas and breakdowns, send an e-mail to your boss twenty-four hours before the session to let him/her know what you want to discuss and come to the session prepared to present an honest (not defensive) summary of where you are in regard to your breakthrough commitments. Make some specific requests for coaching regarding your issues and dilemmas. Be open and forthcoming with issues.
3. In order to have smooth sailing in the relationship with your boss, be aware of what triggers his or her reactions and act accordingly. Ask yourself: What doesn't work for him/her? For example: late starts to meeting, not being in communication enough, bringing too many small issue that you should solve yourself, not providing updated matrix on time. Then ask: What works? What does your boss need to be empowered? Most of those things, you can easily provide with a little time and effort. Mostly it requires thoughtfulness.
4. Be a good thinking partner. Be committed to getting the deeper issues on the table. Be a great listener for the opposing views. Ask questions to deepen your understanding of your boss's position. Make sure he/she is heard. At the same time, be a strong advocate for your own point of view. Prepare yourself to present your position with clarity and with the support of potent examples and data. Be patient and stay with it until you also feel heard. Don't lose your temper, even internally.
5. Prepare yourself for all meetings with your boss, whether within a group or one-on-one. Whether you lead the meeting or not, prepare yourself. When your boss is leading the meeting, make sure you know the purpose and intended results and who is participating. Identify what you want to get out of the meeting and what you intend to contribute. When you are leading the meeting, create the purpose and intended results, communicate those in advance, and try to understand your boss's background conversation coming into the meeting so that you can own it, and you can speak to the listening.
6. Turn your complaints into requests. Avoid turning your complaints into hall gossip. Behind every complaint there is a commitment and a request to make. So get clear on what is not working for you, what your specific request is, and go and talk your boss.